Tuesday (Tennant, to be exact)

Okay, so.

I may have forgotten about/let this blog fall to the wayside (yes terrible pun I went there bite me) in favor of trying to actually go out there and get stuff done. Which I think I’ve accomplished. To some extent.

I literally overcame a bit of stage fright by auditioning for a play. Felt like skydiving onto a tightrope strung out over a lake of fire. Unbelievable. I’m now an adreneline junkie for acting. I didn’t get the part, but I was surprised at how little that bummed me out; I went into the audition looking to do my absolute best, kill the monologue (the best I knew how, at least) and make split-second character decisions before cold-reading. As far as I know I did all these things, plus got an amazing rush in the spotlight. So, not too bummed about not actually getting the part. But I’m definitely auditioning again. So much fun.

On a ‘whoa, dude, that’s deep’ level auditioning for a play is also a big step in the direction I’d like to take, the “stop telling yourself ‘no’ and just do everything you’re terrified to do” direction. The path is treacherous but the view is incredible.

I’ve been mulling over that odd little voice in my head (one of many) that pipes up with a high-pitched squeal of “no!” when I think of what I should do/could do for the day, or even for my future plans. Part of it, I know, is borne of the great black nexus that is the OCD monster in my head but I have to wonder how much of it is years-long habit. In my pre-medication days (high school) the twitchy “no!” voice acted as a kind of shield for all of the horrible mental images my OCD would send my way. So I guess it helped me crash my train of thought when it started to skip like a bad record, or send my imagination down a dark and terrifying path. But now…..now. Post-medication, it seems like an outdated defense mechanism that’s preventing me from getting the most mundane of things done, much less the big things in my life.

I’m having trouble figuring out how much of the “no!” is bull and how much is still legitimate. It’s probably safe to say that most (if not all) of it is completely baseless. However. Ignoring the “no!” voice is a very hard habit to break. I’m practicing; I auditioned for a play. I’m visiting with friends who are back in town (even when I just want to curl up with fanfiction or some other time-sucking pastime).

Now I just have to get my day-to-day schedule in order. Maybe that will shut the “no!” voice up, if I have everything written down and (mostly) scheduled out. Hey, it’s on paper, therefore it doth be indisputable. I hope it helps. Because what I really fear most is that:

I won’t get my life going the way I want it to go. I want to accomplish a lot of things, “now”, and in order to do that I have to stay focused and do some work that I really don’t want to do. Necessary evils and all that. Currently I’ve cleaned out my car, purged my wardrobe, re-organized my horse’s wormer/vet schedules into neat excel charts and made a folder for important receipts and bills. So basically, stuff I should have done five years ago. But still.

Now, I have to finish an oil painting that hopefully won’t stink up the wall on which it’s to be hung. That will bring a decent paycheck.

Now, I have to commit to studying for the GRE so that my scores will be worth something when I take the test next month.

Now, I have to finish wrapping my best friend’s birthday present. And burn a couple CD’s for her.

Now, I have to write a little bit each day (preferably both on this blog and on my original stuff…and the fanfic).

It’s really not a lot, I know I can do this. I know for a fact that I do not want to be where I am this time next year. I have to get out and move in the direction I want to take. I will never stop fighting for what I want. I do have that going for me, at least: I never give up.

Motivational Anti-Heroes/Villains Who Also Never Give Up: Zuko, Loki, Black Widow (because she broke through her brainwashing, that is badass and takes extreme determination).

This entry was posted in Journal/Stream of Consciousness, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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